Published August 28, 2009
I am that lamp in the corner
that you always leave on.
Untill I burn out or die...
I once was so bright,
brought light into a darkend room.
But now since you left me on,
I slowly lose my brightness,
And slowly turn to darkness...
I've lightend up a dark, cold room
but now slowly turn that room
to the cold & darkend room
that it once was....
The days go past so fast
and each day I get dimmer & dimmer.
Lossing my brightness
A tiny bit each day.
So I suffer the loss of my brightness,
till I one day i get drained or burn out...
Wishing you didn't leave me on,
to loss my brightness,
And come so dark....
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140,868 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Nice, its really good. Just like everyone else is saying.
Good
I really like this.
A nice turn on the avadrede love poem with a good flow and wording.
Good Job
Keep writing like you mean it
Vera
Hi Fading Soul and welcome to YWS! I think you have quite a lovely poem here, but it needs some cleaning up. The main distraction is the spelling errors. It's "darkened" and "lightened". With those and "lossing/loss" instead of "losing/lose", it's really hard to appreciate this piece because the reader immediately just sees the bad spelling. There's a few others, but those are the biggies.
Secondly, I agree with Matt about the ellipses. They're useless and frankly, they look pretty silly.
Also, I don't particularly like these two lines together:
You use "slowly" twice and end both lines with "ness". It's pretty bland as is, but I have a couple suggestions:
1) Lose the second line completely and end the first one with a period.
2) "Slowly, I lose my brightness/And turn to dark."
3) "I slowly lose my brightness/And turn darker."
There's probably more options...use what you think is best.
Another thing I noticed: You said "lose my brightness" three times, which is a bit too much in my opinion. I'd change at least one of them.
I know this review seems pretty long and harsh, but you do have some lovely images in this poem. Like Matt suggested, some extra context might help the poem, but overall, you did a great job.
Hello! Welcome to YWS. Please note that we have a 2:1 policy here, meaning that members are asked to review two pieces of work before posting their own.
I quite like this poem. There are a couple of spelling errors, so just watch out for those. Also, I don't really like the use of ellipses (...) I just think they're used too much in this poem and that they aren't necessary. I liked the content of the poem though - the extended metaphor. I think perhaps you could make it sound a bit more like it applies to you/the narrator, for example, is the light left on because it is neglected, as nobody bothers to turn it on? Is the narrator like this because he or she feels neglected by someone else? This just needs a bit of fine tuning really, it's a very good concept. Keep writing!